This was originally run as part of the column 'Anne in Progress' in the Frederick News Post and was also used as part of my stand up routine I did when I was in Los Angeles. I'm running this here because today was supposed to be another post, but alas... I procrastinated and didn't do it. Lesson learned? We'll see. Hope you enjoy...
There is this person out there – We all know them. Once you hear my tale, if you sit there and shake your head and go “No, I don’t know anyone like that”, then you need to look in a mirror because I am obviously talking about you.
These people have a case of what I like to call the “Starting on Mondays”. Every weekend they gorge in some fashion – Gluttony in it’s finest form. From binge eating to drinking, to smoking to shopping….Really does not matter. They are in the midst of a crisis and this is how they cope.
I have sat across from this person at many a Sunday brunch when I have my fruit bowl and coffee; They have their "Big Ass Bulging Breakfast Burrito" stuffed with eggs, and four cheese that drips down their arm, guacamole and salsa sliding together in a puddley mess to the plate surrounded by bits of sausage and bacon that has meshed with the tortilla bits that are flailing about. As I delicately eat my paltry meal(*), my companion is shoving a honking bite of food in their face going, “Starting on Monday…..I am SO going on a diet!”
The reality in this is that – Well, NO. No you won’t be starting any kind of stupid diet because that is just not life is it? I look back at some of the greats in history and wonder what would have happened if they had decided to start something on Monday? If Clinton had waited a few days for Monica to get busy, would we have had “BlowJob-Gate”? Or Hitler, if he waited and thought about what he was up to, would there have been so much ruckus? What about Jeffrey Dahmer? Do you think that one day he went to his fridge, gazed around at all of the severed limbs of the poor people he had slaughtered and thought, “ You know what….Starting on Monday, I think I am going to have a turkey sandwich. On whole wheat – little lettuce, little tomato, easy mayo. Some apple slices. Yep. Starting on Monday.”
No, my friend. No. The one thing these men have in common is commitment. Whether it is commitment issues or commitment to their cause, they had it in spades. The next time you think you are going to “Start on Monday” – Drop the Pollyanna act. Own who you are and just get over it.
I did. I am getting over it…Well, I will be. This Monday.
(PS: *If you know me, you know I hardly start the day with a fruit bowl!)